Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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