oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
