he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
