Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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