I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
