whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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