I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
