Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
