You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
