How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
