you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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