theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
