Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
