Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
