Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
