Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
