hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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