You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize