someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
