I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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