Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
