bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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