woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
