look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
