I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
This is my gift to your gina
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Randomize
