Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
