My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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