Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize