He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
