There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize