3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
