Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
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