I'm laying in your front yard are you home
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
