i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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