I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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