Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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