When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
