I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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