I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
