Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize