he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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