You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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