my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
