OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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