Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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