I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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