Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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