Even the bartender felt bad for me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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