Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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