my mouth tastes like poor choices
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
