he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize