On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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