I hate your face
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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