She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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