now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize