Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
